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Coping With Empty Nest Syndrome

Is Empty Nest Syndrome only about physically coping with the moving out of children, or is it an emotional transformation that needs to take place at an intense level in the minds of aging parents?

Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) is defined as a clinical condition where parents experience grief and loneliness as their child leaves home to start their own life. However, the feeling in reality is much more complicated and has multiple layers that must be addressed at different stages.

Freeda Joseph, a 52-year-old homemaker from Pondicherry, says it’s been three years since her son moved out of home, but she still hasn’t come to terms.

Speaking to Sukino Healthcare, Freeda described her journey as extremely emotionally exhausting.

“When my son decided to relocate, I took it as a joke. Only when he insisted on seriously considering a move did I go into denial and tell him that he wasn’t going anywhere in vain.

Within the next few days, Freeda says she tried different ways, like faking an illness, using scare tactics, throwing tantrums, and even emotional manipulation to make him change his mind. Still, nothing worked, and she cried herself to bed every night.

Reshma Gadiwala, a Mumbai-based counselor, says acceptance is crucial for Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS). One has to accept that the children don’t hate their parents or care any less when they decide to move out. They only want to take charge of their own lives.

The letting go process begins only when parents accept this fact.

However, acceptance is multilayered and is peppered with myriad emotions like denial, anger, and resignation. According to Gadiwala, this letting go is more of a mental process that sometimes takes years to complete.

What Stops Parents from accepting the situation?

The moving out phase that marks the end of active parenting leaves behind two lost souls who suddenly feel that they have lost their identity and sense of purpose.

Parents are so busy being parents that they put all the other roles on the back burner. Hence, when children move out, they don’t know what to do with their lives and their sudden free time.

Additionally, parents are used to being in charge of their kids, influencing their every decision. But when kids move out, parents feel unimportant and unwanted. This brings a lot of uncertainty.

However, the fact remains that children do move out regardless of what their parents want or think, and the best way is for everyone to make peace and get on with their lives.

The process of letting go and coping with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS)

According to Freeda, letting go of her happened in bits and pieces and is still in process. She had to let go whenever her son was busy answering her calls. She had to let go whenever he prioritized his life and other relationships over her. When he couldn’t help her like before, she had to let go; when he did not like her mollycoddling and preferred validation from his spouse, she had to let go. When he chose to make his own decisions, she had to learn to let go. After letting go of the little things that had a significant impact, Freeda says she is more at peace than before coming to terms with her new reality. She knows that her kid means well and is just getting on with his life and trying to be there for her in his way. All she had to do was clear her mind and get on with her life. It wasn’t easy, and Freeda says she spent days crying before coming to terms, but she has this one question for all aging parents.

Would they want to keep wallowing in the fact that their kids have left, or would they want to stop the self-pitying and take charge of their lives?

Here are ways to cope for those who have chosen the second option.

Gadiwala recommends the following tips for coping with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS).

1. Focusing on Yourself: How about giving yourself the same attention and love you reserved for your kids? This could be buying new clothes for yourself, joining a hobby class, going on that trip that you always felt guilty about spending on yourself, or just watching a movie on the OTT channels now that you have the television more to yourself.
2. Rediscovering Old Hobbies: Take a moment to reflect on your childhood. What did you genuinely enjoy doing back then? Was it painting, singing, cooking, or baking? What’s stopping you from doing it now? You have all the time in the world, and guess what? You can also generate some income from your talent.  At the end of the day, it’s not only keeping yourself busy but making yourself very happy.
3. Building Your Network: Just because your children have moved out doesn’t mean you must stay alone for the rest of your life. Reach out to people, make new friends, join communities and groups, and be surrounded by like-minded people who help you cope and fill the void. People who have undergone similar experiences can help each other learn by sharing examples of what worked for them.
4. Go Back To School: Having time on your hands and the freedom to go with it can be a great asset. You can use it well to study further or enroll yourself in a new class or course; you never know, your career may soar as much as your children’s or maybe higher than that.

Life is precious, and significant changes can be complex. But time is the biggest healer, and taking control of the reins is always within reach. All one needs to do is take the first step with courage and trust us; the rest will follow.

Happy Living!