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Ways To Deal With Obstinate Aging Parents
Simple tips to deal with situations when parents who are supposed to be your allies, change sides and cause disruptions.
Lately, the conversations within groups of men and women have been revolving around the obstinance of aging parents and how they refuse to budge from their perception and accommodate the viewpoints of their adult children. Not that this problem didn’t persist before but it appears that people are registering it now and are comfortable talking openly about it.
But the intrinsic question here is not who is right or wrong, but how the problem is to be solved.
Sneha Acharya a young entrepreneur from Pune says that she cannot take the burden of running two households. Her parents based in Nashik refuse to leave their home and move in with her to Pune insisting that they cannot stay at their daughter’s place although they are financially dependent on her. Acharya, a widow who stays with her two teenage sons, finds it challenging to run both houses on her limited income.
A few thousand kilometres away Rahul Sanghvi in Bengaluru has been constantly having conversations with his mother about being a bit more accommodating with his wife who is from a non-Maharashtrian background but in vain. His mother insists that his wife wears traditional clothes and cooks traditional food and if that doesn’t happen, she sulks and spoils her health. Agnes, Rahul’s wife, is a successful interior designer and is unable to keep up with her mother-in-law’s demands. When Rahul sent his mother to stay with his sister as she refused to relent, he was termed as the ‘bad, uncaring son’ by the family.
Blame it on the stubbornness that comes with age, the deep-rooted conditioning, or the generation gap, the problem that most adult children face with aging parents is real and takes a toll on the former who try to achieve an elusive balance between the demands of their current lives and the desires of their parents.
Here are a few tips that may help adults manage the situation effectively.
Tips to deal with obstinate aging parents
- Don’t expect them to change: If you are waiting for a change in perspective then you are up for disappointment. Aging Parents will never change especially given their age. The best bet is to acknowledge their point of view and respect it. It is vital to treat your parents as adults and with respect.
- Try to understand their reasons: However non-relatable they may seem, your parents are operating from a certain belief system. They have their reasons for insisting on certain things. Trying to find out the reason will help you empathise with them and help work out a solution.
- Stay firm and calm: Losing your temper only makes matters worse. Discussions can happen if you stay calm and are willing to listen to them. Having said that it is also important for you to stay firm on what you are willing to offer and putting your point across firmly and gently.
- Spend time with them: Sometimes the non-cooperation movement from parents is the result of them feeling unimportant and unheard. Spending time with them and making them feel valued softens their stance and helps you both reach a middle ground.
- Pick your battles: Don’t make your home and family a war zone for everything. Pick your battles wisely. You may want to agree with your parents on a few issues while reserving the others that are important for you to be won later.
- Involve the family: This may help sometimes and in a few situations. Getting a family member to understand your situation and letting them mediate may just solve the problem for you.
- Get professional help: Just because your parents don’t agree with you, there is nothing wrong with you. Before you wallow in guilt, speak to a counselor to validate your feelings and get their assistance in helping you cope with the situation.
- Choose the correct time to talk: This one is no no-brainer. Negotiations can work out best when both sides are relaxed and in listening mode.
- Know when to let go: Last but not least, it is important to accept the situation and know when to let go instead of going around in circles and causing pain to yourself and your parents. This point brings us back to the problem but a change in mindset may help put things in the freezer to be addressed later when the time is right.
Dealing with parents is a walk on the tightrope but with some simple tips, and tweaks, the situation can be dealt with effectively and lead to better results. However, if the situation is causing too much disruption then seeking professional help may be the way out.
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BY: Sukino
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